When your pillowcases are drenched and your tissue box runs empty. When your eyes pour more than your shower head. When flowers are just plants and teddybears truly become inanimate. When songs sound like laugher among road trips and road trips really start to feel like getting lost. When you still feel lost when you get to your destination. When you start buying chapstick again and your phone never rings. When all you want to do is sleep and when sleep becomes distant. When your clock hits 5AM and you’ve watched more sunrises than sunsets. When there’s more food on your plate than in your stomach. When not even the wind blowing can touch your soul. That’s when you know..
I can buy chocolates; Kinder Bueno or Ferrero Rocher or a big bar of Hershey’s or that humongous version of Kisses. I can give a rose, or a bouquet of them. I can give a teddy bear, or a stuffed dog, even a panda—or all of them if that’s what you prefer. I can buy you jewellery; gold, with the infinity sign as a pendant, or a heart, or a key. I can buy you books, the first edition. We can for a trip around the world, or on a cruise to Bahamas. I can take you to a five-star restaurant or hotel with rose petals leading the way towards your seat to fine dining. I can give you luxury, if that’s what you’d like.
But I know that I’m better than that, better than picking a lady that can be bought with money.
So instead, I’ll write you letters. Lengthy, well strung all together, handwritten in yellow paper (because I like yellow paper). Handmade cards are cute. They are thoughtful, and so am I. I’ll give you mixtapes of every song that speaks to you for me. I’ll give you a necklace, the one my mom gave to me. We’ll have lunch by the park, or dinner underneath the night sky. I’ll take you for a drive at night, cruise around nowhere at four o’clock in the morning. We’ll have burgers and fries and milkshake. We’ll stay home and have a marathon of your favourite movies and shows while eating junkfood or noodles or chinese food, or plain hot cocoa. We’ll ditch the movie and tickle each other, then chase around till I catch you a kiss you passionately. We’ll take a shower together. We’ll have sex; hot yet passionate, full of love and devotion, witnessed by the stars and the moon. We’ll wake up with each other, have breakfast in bed, or go to a coffee shop and enjoy a cup of latte and bagle.
And it doesn’t have to be on Valentines Day, love.
We are all thieves, even as children. I have stolen my mother’s grace and my father’s silence. I have stolen the way my grandmother folds letters carefully in thirds. I have stolen glances from lovers, from when I was five. I have stolen books, buttons, pens, cashmere roses, shoes, coins and smooth stones. I have stolen the curves of rivers and the the burned night has become the colour in my eyes. I have stolen the scent of coffee and the warmth of the earth. I have stolen my a e i o u and my words. I have stolen thousands of trees all in the private scavenge for knowledge. But never once have I thought about hurting people with the things I have stolen. They have been small habits. Things that can be hidden in pockets or buried deep in me. They have all left guilty sleepless nights and bad dreams in me. The small thefts were unnoticed. I have stolen so that I can learn how best to be who I am. I have always taken what I have liked about someone and I have stitched it into the edges of who I am. The way I write my “r”s is the way my father writes them. I copied every one of his signatures, just to feel the way ink bends to his fingertips. I meant no one any harm. It’s okay, I guess. When no one but me cries at night."
I used to hold my breath until you were done speaking so the words would seep into my pores and become a part of me. I waded in the shores of your thoughts and hoped to catch a glimpse of the moon glimmering in the shadows. I hoped to catch inspiration at the sudden breaks of sentences and metaphors. But, you don’t appeal to me anymore.
I’m not perfect, I have my flaws. I have my scars, both physical and emotional. A lot happened in my past but I promise that I’ll do my best to give you all of me. It might not happen right away but eventually I will change. I promise that you will have all of me. I promise to tell you everything and share with you all the stories I can think of. You deserve nothing but the best and I want to give that to you. I promise to accept you for who you are and love you for all of your flaws and imperfections. Through thick and thin, I’m going to be there for you to pick you up when you are down, brush you off, and keep you going. I want to be the reason you smile and someone that makes your day better by doing whatever it takes—like making you mix tapes or texting you little cute things to remind you that I’m thinking of you. I want to be able to go with you to meet your family and have them approve of me because I want them to be able to say that I deserve you. I’m going to do whatever it takes to win your heart and trust, no matter how long it might take you to open up and let me in. I know you may have had a rough past and bad relationships and I want to hear all about them. I want to hear about the good and the bad in your past. I want to be able to understand you fully. I want to be able to know what your favorites are, the way you do things, and every other little thing about you. I’m going to do my best each and every day make you feel special and show that you mean the world to me because once I let you in, you will fill the hole in my heart and become a part of my life forever.